Secrets
by keariel
Summary: He forgot about her; but she can't make herself move on just yet. Beck X Cat and Andre X Cat


Cat liked to think of her self as...different.

Not weird, or Bi-polar, or insane, or autistic, or schizophrenic, or _shutupshutupshutup-_

Cat was different.

If she was a painting-and sometimes, she imagined she was, made of paint and colour and different beautiful things which everyone loved-she was sure she would mostly be red. Lots of bold red lines, slashed through with yellow and orange, but mostly _redredred_. Red for her hair, which she dyed because brown was Jade and Jade was Jade and Cat couldn't be Jade because it was too hard to be mean and pretty and smart and funny and clever all at the same time. Red for Red Velvet cupcakes, which had been mommy's favourites and dad had hated them because they were _sweetsweetsweet_ but Cat L O V E S them, and they keep her smiling and feeling lovely. Red for secret promises and forgotten promises and promises he can't keep because he can't he won't _hewon'thewon't he said he wouldn't_. Red for mommy when she was laying on the kitchen floor, and she wore red with green and little kitten didn't understand _whywon'tshewakeup?_

Swirls would mix through the redredred, a darker red to make it look pretty and lovely and sweet and nice and something he can L O V E. Burgundy, Tori said once. Burgundy like daddy's glass which sat beside his desk, because it wasn't red and red made him think of mommy and maybe that was why he wouldn't look at Cat anymore? Burgundy for how her veins looked under her skin sometimes, when she held her arm up to the light and wondered if he liked girls who have burgundy veins? Not purple never purple Jade is purple and Cat can't be Jade she can't she won't _don'tmakemebeJadeIdon'twanttobeJade._

Yellow for sunshine and feeling lovely and pretty and unicorns and ice cream and pretty smiles and mommy's hair when she read bedtime stories. Yellow for fireflies caught when things were simplesimplesimple and a little girl was a little girl and a little boy was something to look at but never truly want and _isn't it pretty when they light up like little stars?_ Yellow for stars painted on the ceiling of a little boys room, because he _promised_ and every star is a wish like every key is a secret and wishes and secrets are closer that you would ever think.

Orange for the one time dad's eyes flashed when he looked at you and he didn't mean it he didn't he didn't want to he didn't mean to _hedidn'tmeanithedidn'tHEDIDN'T!_

Cat is always happy. Even as a painting she is happyhappyhappy and giggling and happy. She is dancing in the rain and wishing on shooting stars and dandelion seeds and radiating rainbows and light and even when Jade is a bitch_wedon'tusewordslikethatCaterina _she is as sweet as Red Velvet cupcakes.

But when she sits in her prettypretty room with the windows shut, shut up in her self with closed curtains and lights off, she likes to remember. Remember that stars are wishes and keys are secrets and rings are promises and he gave her a star and a key and a ring and she's still waiting for him to grant her wish and tell her his secret and keep his promise because _while he's forgotten with every look and every kiss she just..._

B r e a k s.

* * *

><p>He smiles at her across the table and she smiles back because they are both <em>oh so polite<em> and they are friends, and friends smile, don't they? And when the others speak he listens because he's _oh so polite_ and she looks away and wonders what it would be like if she could fly because she's Cat and Cat does things like that. And when things become intimate with butterfly kisses and secret touches and _Iloveyou_ promises she grips the key which nevereverever leaves her neck and remembers summer days and unsure kisses and wishes and secrets and promises which he doesn't remember. And the new girl who shines so brightly and helps Cat be Cat when things are hard asks _whatareyouholding_ and he looks up and for a moment she thinks he remembers. But then he smiles and she smiles and once again they're _oh so polite_ and it's all secrets overlying secrets and she feels like she's lying when she isn't, she _knows_ she isn't, because her heart is his and _no one ever asked_, so how can she be telling a lie when no one even asked a question?

And everything is _nothing_ and it doesn't matter how brightly you shine because he wants darkness always darkness and bitter smiles and bitter laughter and forgets that _she was his first_ and she wonders whether it is because of Red Velvet cupcakes and mommy wearing red and green and _is that the reason he can't remember endless summer days when little girls were little girls and everything was simple?_

And every day has another secret another key and another wish written on paper under her pillow and she wishes and wishes but it never comes because _he can't remember_ and she's stupid because who would want to remember boring ugly Caterina when Jade is around? And she stares into the distance and wonders what stars would feel like on her skin and if mirrors work in space and when a tree falls but there is no one there to hear it, does it really make a sound?

And he's still _oh so polite_ and she's hiding his secret because maybe she doesn't want him to remember?

* * *

><p>Cat is five years old and everything is simple as simple and all she wants is to be a nurse like mommy when she is older and for her baby brother to stop eating crayons because <em>she needs that red for her rainbow!<em>

She is sitting at her favourite desk by the window where she can watch the sun and dream about unicorns and mermaids, when he sits beside her, and asks _oh so softly_ if he can please borrow some of her colours? And of course she says yes because the other children don't like her and she'll give _anything_ for a friend to come to her birthday party. And he draws a puppy in the back cover of his reading book and the teacher is _oh so frustrated_ when she sees what he's done and Cat is given the chance to be important and sweet and make a friend, and says that she did it. And when she is asked why she did it she says that she wonders whether unicorns like Red Velvet cupcakes, because they are her mommy's favourites and if mommy likes them then unicorns will too won't they? And the teacher whispers about crazy people and 'just like her mother' and Cat doesn't understand but she doesn't care because _she finally has a friend_ and he will play with her.

And for a long time, everything is perfect and sweet and he calls her his girlfriend and she calls him her boyfriend, even though she doesn't really know what it means, and they paint wishes on his bedroom ceiling with his mommy who doesn't giggle or dance like Cat's mommy and _why doesn't she dance?_

And they tell each other all their secrets and he gives her a key and tells her it's his biggest secret and she has to keep it _safe as safe_ and she promises, because that's what best friends do and they will be friends forever.

And then they are seven and he wants to try something his brother told him girlfriends and boyfriends do, and Cat is _oh so willing_ because mommy has stopped dancing and she needs him because even when you're seven you know when something is wrong. And he presses his lips to hers and she wonders what the feeling in her tummy is and when he pulls away she asks how often they are supposed to do that? And he says his brother said every day, and some times twice a day, and Cat says she is okay with that because for some strange reason now _she feels like she can fly_.

And then she is eight and three months and two days and she's crying because he says he is leaving and all she can say is _what's that supposed to mean_? And he tells her his dad got a new job in a city and he has to go with him, and because she doesn't want to loose her only friend she says he can live with her because her dad will give her what ever she wants since mommy stopped dancing.

And when he says there wouldn't be enough room she says she'll use her piggy bank to buy him a little house on wheels so he can stay, _anything so that he'll just stay_ and he says he's sorry but he can't. But he kisses her and promises when he is big like his brother he will find her and they will be boyfriend and girlfriend again, and gives her a ring because rings are promises like keys are secrets and _you have to keep promises, don't you?_

And he is gone.

But then she is eight and six months and eight days and she meets Jade, who is tough and pretty and is going to be an actress, and she has a new best friend, _but she'll never forget him because he gave her butterflies and gave her his deepest darkest secret_.

And then she is fifteen and three days and she is Red Velvet cupcakes and mommy is gone and she only needs Jade now and _there he is_.

But she can see he doesn't know her, and she starts to think that maybe promises can be forgotten?

So she watches in silence as he gives to Jade what he gave to her, and wonders what would stars feel like on her skin?

And then she is sixteen and two months and one day and Tori is there and she radiates light in a way Cat can only dream of, and everyone is drawn to her like planets to the sun, and he gives this new shining girl who actually seems to care what he gave Cat _oh so long ago_ and she wonders is this what it feels like to have your heart broken?

* * *

><p>She sits in the improv classroom alone with his secret and his promise and wishes drawn on her arm, and wonders what dying feels like.<p>

She asked Tori once; but Tori didn't want to talk about it, and asked her _are you okay? Because you know I'm here for you_. And Cat was ordinary Cat again with bubbles and sprinkles who dances in the rain and asked _do you think stars feel soft or sharp?_

But Cat is alone and thinking about dying and the door opens and she shrieks because _she promised she'd keep his secret safe as safe and that means no one can see it!_ And she hides it and smiles at the crazy teacher who asks her if she ever considered climbing in through the window? And she replies that she tried to climb through a window once, but it was locked.

* * *

><p>Cat is watching him while he stands at the bus stop, and wonders what he is doing. She asks him and he smiles at her, amused by something. But she doesn't understand what he finds so amusing, because she is completely serious for the first time in too long. And he says he is going to find an old friend, and she let's herself imagine, just for a moment, that he is looking for her; but then she remembers Jade and Tori and broken promises and <em>his brother was thirteen when he made his promise so why didn't he come looking for her then?<em> So she assumes it is someone else and she smiles before turning and skipping away.

Because if he can remember another friend good enough for him to find, why can't he remember her and endless summer days and wishes and promises and secrets hung around her neck?

* * *

><p>She has made a revelation.<p>

She has decided that she mustn't be real. If she was real, she wouldn't be so different, and she would be remembered and those never ending summer days which felt _oh so sweet_ wouldn't be so easily forgotten and mommy would have felt that her little kitten was enough.

So she dances in the rain because if you aren't real you can't get sick and _what other excuse is there not to dance in the rain_? And she remembers endless summer days and wishes and secrets and promises and mommy used to dance in the rain so maybe Cat is like mommy just the way her teacher said? But then she's being pushed and pulled and prodded and she wants to _scream and scream and _S C R E A M because she wants to _dance_ but he's shouting about getting sick and lost and what about her dad, and wouldn't he care? And she is _oh so calm_ when she explains that dad doesn't care anymore now mommy is gone and who would really care anyway when _she's not even real?_

And he sighs _oh so sadly_ and pulls her with him to his little house on wheels and she wants to throw up her heart and leave it on the pavement because_ how can he do this to her? How can he live the way she said he could when he left?_ And she chokes on screams and angry words and wonders whether mommy ever choked on words? And he sits her down on his bed and wraps her up in layers and more layers and _everything smells like endlesssummerdays and wishessecretspromises_. Cat looks up at him with big brown doe eyes and for once in her life she is...lucid.

Normal.

Not airy and faye and happiness and light.

She sees what she needs to.

He is no longer the little boy who promised he would find her.

His hair is longer. His skin is darker. His smile is much slyer; it lacks the innocence she remembers.

And he is Jades.

Cat drinks up the feelings of this moment; of, for once, being Caterina, her father's little girl who could always dance beautifully and was going to be a nurse, rather than Cat, the girl everyone says is _so much like her mother_, and who is pitied for it.

And she pulls his secret out from beneath her shirt and asks _how could you forget?_

For exactly thirteen seconds, it is silent; Cat knows this because she counts. Then he runs his fingers through his hair, and the lucid moment is gone; Cat is emotional and broken and _screaming_ because he chooses now to remember, and_ why couldn't you remember when mommy was dressed in red and green and wouldn't wake up?_

And she throws all the feelings trapped beneath her fragile skin into the air with screams and tears and she knows what stars feel like because they're piercing her skin and she's bleeding out onto the floor as she shatters into tiny pieces of rainbows and light, each shard a mirror of what she is trying so hard to hide. Because now he remembers she can't be happy dancing Cat who is insane and bi-polar and schizophrenic and doesn't have to feel or react or listen because if she did listen _she wouldn't understand, anyway_. So now she is this raging storm of emotions and tears and screams while he stands and watches in shocked silence, because _this isn't the little girl he gave his secret to **but it isn't Red Velvet cupcakes and the insane girl who balances out Jade's bitterness either**_**.**

And he tries to stop her, shouting for Cat Cat _CatCatCAT_ but that's _not her name! He never called her that! How can he remember secrets and promises but not remember her name?_ And he grabs her wrists and pulls her against his chest and whispers against her hair to calm down.

Calm down, _Caterina_.

And she is. She stops throwing herself against the walls built around what she was and what she is, and stops bleeding out through wounds made by wishes. She starts to think that maybe stars are soft? And she presses her ear to his heart, and listens to it beat, the organ which symbolises so much more than blood being pushed through his veins by a large ball of muscle, and shuts her eyes, concentrating on the one thing holding her in place; the rhythm of his breath and the pounding of his heart and the way that even when her eyes are closed she can see his light, and the way he shines more than she ever could.

And she's whispering that she's finally found him. And he is so confused that she can't help but giggle, a little bit of crazy Cat bleeding through, and murmurs that she's found the boy who made summer days feel endless and made wishes and kept secrets and kept promises, and she thought she found him so long ago, _but you forgot so it wasn't really you, was it?_

And his words are so soft that she almost doesn't hear him, but he tells her that he went back to their home to try and find her but she was gone, and what did she mean her mom was gone?

But she doesn't want to talk about it because _she doesn't want to remember_, and he hushes her and strokes her hair _oh so softly_.

And for exactly two minutes and four seconds everything is..._perfect_.

But then there is Jade.

And she is standing between them, and Cat steps back, away from him, and glares at the floor.

Because it's _not. Fair._

And she presses shaking hands to her heart and blinks away tears, and smiles up at him, happy-clappy Cat with smiles and rainbows and Red Velvet cupcakes.

And she lets him go.

* * *

><p>Caterina sits in the auditorium, and gazes at the floor.<p>

She hasn't been Cat for a long time; not since she let him go. Instead she is Caterina again; she is the teenage girl who does well at her subjects because she studies. She doesn't want to be a nurse anymore, but that's okay; she'll be an actress or a singer instead.

She doesn't mind that she'd not as _quirky_ as she was anymore; she likes Caterina, and so do the others. They like that they can be sarcastic, and make comments with out being asked _what's that supposed to mean?_

Except for Jade.

Because Jade doesn't like Caterina; she liked Cat, who balanced her out and made her laugh, and needed to be looked after.

Because, despite her coldness towards others, Jade likes looking after people.

She'll be a good mom one day.

And he doesn't like it either; because while she's Caterina, who sometimes says things which aren't quite right, and sometimes is offended by things which _aren't meant that way_, he can remember endless summer days and the secret he gave her.

The secret he found taped to his locker the morning after he remembered, along with a ring and a star.

Caterina sits in the auditorium, and stares at the floor.

She hasn't found anyone else since that night; she would like to. It would be wonderful if she could. But everyone who has come up to her just reminds her that she'll never have him, and it hurts too much for her to be reminded every day.

She sits and stares; but then she's pulled out of the thoughts she's drowning in by someone she never thought of.

And he's sitting beside her with a sweet smile, and she lets herself think _well maybe this is what I need?_

And he asks her out.

And, for the first time in too long, she says...

Yes.

* * *

><p>It's graduation day.<p>

Cat has been making appearances recently; dancing is so much easier when you don't care what anyone thinks.

But that's the only time she's around; because Cat likes being calm, and happily gives way to Caterina now.

So they are sat in front of the stage, dressed in black and red, and watching people receive scrolls which really mean nothing, but are sentimental and make everyone smile.

She'll be one of the last to get hers; she knows it. But it means she can watch her friends get their first, which makes her happy; so she's content to sit and watch, smiling at the happy faces of everyone else. Tori is beside her, and her leg is jumping up and down because she's so nervous, but Caterina doesn't mind; and Cat would have joined in, so that Tori didn't feel odd doing it alone.

The he is on the stage.

Not the him that gave her his secret; she let him go, and she's happy she did. Him and Jade are good together.

No; it's the boy who helped her keep on going. The boy who drags up Cat and makes her laugh, and helps her with her singing; because if Caterina is going to be a singer, it's good to have lessons, right?

And Tori grips her hand, and smiles at her, because she's seen the way he looks at her; and Caterina knows she looks at him the same way.

And everything is Red Velvet Cupcakes, and unicorns and smiley faces, and she feels...

Perfect.

* * *

><p><em>She never thought it would be possible, but she's found a song to match her life, and she's singing it as she dances around her room, arms above her head.<em>

_"If you love someone, and they break your heart, don't give up on love, have faith, restart..."_

_She smiles when the door opens, and runs to hug him._

"Andre!"

"Cat."


End file.
